Steps Eight and Nine seem to be about “trying to put our lives in order;” but the “real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us.”
“Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
- Step Nine of the Twelve Steps
Our work in Step Nine begins, for the first time, to bring others into our recovery program. Up until now, much of my recovery work in the Steps has, for the most part, been done on my own.
Making decisions, writing inventories, making admissions to God and myself, internal work on character defects, and finally making my Eighth Step list. But now, at the Ninth Step, I take my recovery program out to the other people in my life.
Who’s Involved?
Chances are, your Eighth Step list includes a lot of people who have significant roles in your life – parents, spouses, children, family, friends, bosses, business associates and workmates, neighbors, former spouses, past friends, etc. We are cautioned in the Step itself that it is possible to create further injury in the very act of trying to make an amend in our Ninth Step work. And these are people who are likely to continue to play an important role in my life – I want to make an effective amend to them to help heal a broken relationship. I don’t want to cause further deterioration in the relationship by causing further harm in the very attempt to make an amend for past behavior.
What do I need to do this work?
The A.A. literature says you need to following qualities to take Step Nine: “good judgment, a careful sense of timing, courage, and prudence.” The problem is – as an alcoholic or addict early in recovery, you don’t have these qualities. Almost by definition you can say you don’t. So how to work the Step? You need to involve your sponsor and perhaps others in your work here – people who do have these qualities and can help you. Many include their therapist as well as their sponsor in creating the plan for making specific amends.
What’s the amend look like?
Depends on the specifics of each particular relationship. What’s the nature of the harm done? What’s the current relationship like? There’s not a “one size fits all” approach to making amends. Your plan will need to grow more organically out of the uniqueness of each relationship. An approach that works towards one person may blow up in your face with a different person. You’ll want to give the Step time – this isn’t one to hurry. You’ll want to make sure you’re on firm ground in your sobriety. Then enlist others’ help to make the plan, and finally go make the amend.
Continue with Step Ten of the Twelve Steps – Continued to Take Personal Inventory
Wishing you all the best in recovery,
P.S. Join the conversation and leave your own comment!
I am looking for a sample amends letter. Do you have one?