There are three things that bother me with this phrase frequently heard in Twelve Step meetings:
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It’s simply not true
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It drains the unique significance out of a very important term for addiction
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It masks the real work that we need to be doing with people, places and things
We can’t control, but we’re not powerless
While it’s true you can’t control people, places, and things – make them do what you want them to do – you’re not powerless over them.
If you were powerless over people, places and things, you wouldn’t be able to harm them, and so there would be no list of “persons we had harmed” in the Eighth Step and no amends to make in the Ninth Step.
The definition of “harm” in A.A.’s Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions details the power we do have over others to cause “physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual damage to people.”
And most alcoholics and addicts have plenty of stories about destruction brought on places and things in the course of their addiction – starting with car wrecks and broken homes.
Doesn’t sound much like powerlessness to me.
We’re powerless only over our addiction
And we distort the special meaning of a term – powerless – otherwise applied only to our addiction.
I encounter my powerlessness in the face of my addiction – nowhere else.
The A.A. literature uses the word powerless very sparingly – only once in the text portion of Alcoholics Anonymous (the “Big Book”), and twice in the Twelve and Twelve – and always in relation to alcohol and the alcoholic. In the Big Book it’s used in the text portion only in the recitation of Step One itself.
Seems we should preserve this unique use of the term – using it only as the A.A. literature uses it – for our very unique relationship to our addiction.
Accepting people, places and things
By misquoting the phrase, we also miss the real work that we need to be taking on with people, places and things.
The phrase comes from the story “Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict,” in the Big Book:
“When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation – some fact of my life – unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.”
If we see ourselves as powerless, then we duck the deeper heart work of finding our way to acceptance of people, places, and things in the midst of our own disturbance.
Finding serenity in our disturbance
While at first feeling powerless over people, places, and things seems to come from a humility – it’s the bad kind of humility – like self-pity or poor self-esteem.
What a difference moving from some sad sense of resignation with people, places, and things, to the challenge of active acceptance of all the things of my life.
This is the true work of recovery – and this is the path from disturbance to serenity.
Wishing you all the best in recovery,
P.S. Join the conversation and leave your own comment!
Hi Gregg, you really made me think there, and I’m glad I came across this on the Web. I’ll forward it to my friends in AA.
You’ve shined a different light on a phrase which I actually thought served as a good reminder of people (by that I interpreted it as anyone on the street causing me a disturbance in my – allbeit self seeking – ambition or planned outcome but as someone who can be manipulative and bossy/forceful to get my own way, I see I’m not being totally honest with myself), places (I thought it was a dead cert that I was powerless over places but I can choose to changed or adapt the environment in question) or things (if my mobile doesn’t work I can change, fix or by a new part – battery or whatever) and my not being in control and “accepting the things I cannot change” to come to the understanding of God being in control. However, I did interpret this as a way to becoming accepting of those aforementioned and not impose my will on a situation but participate in God’s will through prayer, meditation and use of my will to aid/assist/improve or help to benefit the situation, and this beiing the correct use of the will. E.g. if a homeless person is begging on the street that I happen to be walking down, I am powerless over that being the case but I can choose to ignore him/her, cross the street, smile politely and walk on, say I don’t have any money, tell him/her to f-off and leave me alone, tell him/her I make donations to the local shelter and don’t give money out on the street. Or I can make a donation to the local shelter, give him some money or go into the nearest foodstore and buy him something good to eat and drink, all the while saying “God grant me the serenity….Thy will be done.” and trusting He will lead me to the correct decision.
I hope you see what I interpreted this saying to mean and look forward to your comments
Hi, Martin –
Glad you found me! It’s a new website, so really appreciate receiving your thoughtful response. Your first line confirmed that the site is working — the point of this material to me is to do exactly what you said happened — considering a popular saying from a new angle with particular attention to our AA literature, and then getting into the dialog with a response of your own. And now I see more clearly as a result of your sharing. Thank you.
Reading the later part of your comment, it seems at that point we’re very much of the same thinking — it’s really more about acceptance. I loved your examples in the first part of the response — good visuals for the process of working with the people, places and things in our lives that cause us disturbance. And yes — exactly the point from my own experience — if my focus is on my supposed “powerlessness” over these things, it allows me to stay locked into my own self-centeredness. If the focus changes more directly to acceptance, then I am challenged to come out of my self-centeredness and relate from some higher place. I begin to see the array of choices available to me — like your example with the homeless person — and I then find myself growing as a person as a result of the encounter.
Again, thanks for sharing!
I very much agree with you Greg. The catch phrases I hear in the meetings are sometimes quite detrimental to the new comers. I am thankful that the recovery center I went to was straight out of the book and 11 months ago when i ended up their on my 21st birthday I was able to find a solution that comes directly out of the first 164 pages and was able to connect me with a higher power. I at the time coming into this program was powerless over people, places and things but once I had a spiritual awakening I feel I no longer was. My experience shows me that by maintaining my connection with god he will keep me safe and protected, that includes from “people, places and things” among any other dangers in my path. The book says to stay close to god and do his work well. For me that means doing my prayer and meditation daily and my evening review every night, to be of service to others in and out of the rooms , not just guys I sponsor, and to make sure I am bringing am spreading hope not disease in the rooms. I will be really honest and say that I am not even close to doing this perfect but I will have a year sober on Feb. 10th because I continue to do my best and correct my mistakes each day.
I disagree with this posting; When I took the first step in Al-Anon, I had to accept that I was powerless over Alochol, the Alocholic, other people places and things. Yes, I can share my experience, strenghts, and hopes with others and what happened to me. But I cannot make anyone do anything they just don’t want to do. I evan not that all good at working on me. I make small steps forward, and still have to ask for help. I never could do it all by myself.
My true relation with others is that I am powerless over them. My job to focous only on me and work on me. Then maybe I may have something to give to someone else.
Step 1 in Al-Anon taught me the truth about being powerless…and the unmanagable life that I had had. Many spouces of the Alocholics did there best to help there husbands and they could not. They were powerless. No one lecturing me did any help either untill I was ready for help and then I had to ask for help, and it took a bunch of strangers to help me out. My family was just too close.
I can share but I have to leave them right where they are at…This works for me, maynot for others…This is what I do, just work on me…
you are clearly missing the point about powerlessness. I must accept that this is your point of view….I cannot change that. I can try to have you see my point, but even with my effort the ultimate decision lies with you. Yopu have a right to your view as missinformed as i think it may be. When it comes to powerlessness over people, place and things, it IS about acceptance. Thats the work that follows admition of powerlessness. Not accepting causes me to possibly toil in an ever ending loop of manipulation and frustration to have you see my point of view, possibly masking my insecurity about said point……Butting my head against others points, or intitutions decisions or the outcome of events i dont like is pointless, but it does not omit the power I have to do somehting about it. If I dont like you point of view I can walk away….If i dont like the decision an instituation makes that affects me , I can take the proper chanels to do somehting about it…as long as i dont lode my serenity and perspective over it….same with things…..A car accident happens, after it hapopens there is nothing I can do to make it unhappen…..Accpetance leads to finding solutions…….not staying stuck in the problem……..that is what i beleive is the essence of powelessness………..
Thanks. The only redeeming aspect to that argument of being powerless over people, places and situations, would be the hypothesis that people, places and situations would be powerless over how I would choose to respond. I am not sure if it is true that someone can say “You hurt my feelings”, or if people act in a socially inept or inappropriate way, maybe with the intent to hurt us, we would choose to allow that response to give them that power.
Thank you for a new way of looking at this. I commonly use step one as a tool to help me remember that I cannot control the behavior of others, but I understand and appreciate the distinction you have made. It is worth thinking about.
Great Post.
At one point in my life I was powerless over people, places and thing. But I found after going through the process of the 12 steps, I have power. Lack of power that was our dilemma. The big book shows me how to get power in my life through the 12 steps. Today I have a choice who I surround my self with. I have also found that most struggles and issues I have today, usually comes back to myself, and my selfishness and selfcenterdness. Just like in my 4th step turn-arounds.
So I am not powerless over people places and things, and anyone saying this is minimizing the power of the program.
Thanks
Greg,
Thanks for the thoughtful article, and its quotes from the Big Book of AA. The third edition story “Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict”, is included in the fourth edition as “Acceptance Was the Answer”, page 407.
We in the program have the tendency to carry a valuable concept a bit too far. A bit like, To A Man With a Hammer, Everything Looks Like a Nail. Powerlessness is a key concept. It helps us surrender to a power that is greater than ourselves. But taken too far, it can be used as an excuse for our lack of courage (or fear) thus reducing our willingness to be open to the power of God (HP, universal energy, etc…). The power of God is awe inspiring, intimidating and scary.
Let us consider ourselves the faucet, not the water.
I can’t. He can. I think I’ll let Him.
Don’t know how old these post are but i came across them while doing some reading on the program. I think, its just me, that its not that I am powerless but just the opposite, I am not POWERFUL enough to make people do what I want. I can’t control anything except myself. I can control or try to control if I hurt another, but I am powerless against what a person does or does not do…. so I think there is a bit of truth in every post here. We are Powerless and not Powerful enough to make anyone do anything BUT we are POWERFUL enough to work on ourselves. This makes sense to me. On final example, I struggled horribly with the “god” thing in meetings, what brought me piece of mind is to accept that I am NOT POWERFUL enough to Prove there is a god, but I am also NOT POWERFUL enough to Prove there is not a god, therefore I can not know for sure….. this same thought process applies to people, places, and things.. on so many levels.
I don’t really think that the idea of powerlessness is referring to being totally powerless, as you suggest, but rather to being powerless over those things that we are truly powerless against.
For instance, while I can ask somebody to do something, it is ultimately up to that person to do it. I have no direct power to MAKE that person do what I want.
At this point, I can accept my “powerlessness” in this situation, meaning my inability to MAKE the other person do something, or I can try to control or manipulate the person by using my force, power within a hierarchy (ex. if I am the boss), or punishment, etc…
I think it is the use of that latter type of force that in the end may harm us or others.
I think that the idea of powerlessness is there to make us aware of the choice to use the kind of manipulative power I described.
The more we try to use that power, the more addicted we become to it, and as a result develop codependent behavior problems.
good post t/y